Alright, friends. Informal poll (no wrong answers!):

• Should a political party run their most progressive candidate, or someone more moderate they’re sure will win? 

• Should you ask your boss for a large raise and risk getting turned down, or simply make the case for a cost-of-living increase? 

• Should you confess your romantic feelings for a friend and possibly lose their friendship, or remain friends only and ensure you keep that person in your life? 

To generalize: Should you set an audacious but uncertain goal, or a less ambitious one you’re sure you can achieve? 

Your feelings on all of these hypotheticals have to do with your personal history, your privilege, your risk tolerance, and how much you value (or don’t!) what you could lose in each scenario. Like I said, there are truly no wrong answers here. 

Nevertheless, I’m going to argue that embracing Option 1 more often is actually the only way forward. And that there’s a lot to glean in the pursuit. And I’m even going to argue that you might be risking less than you think—even if you fail. (“Fail.”) 

Ok, let’s go! 

First, a little background. Pipe dreams have always had a bad rap.

Not to get all Wikipedia on you, but the phrase “pipe dream” originated in the 1870s and referred to the wild, unrealistic hallucinations that opium smokers would experience while high. 

(NB: Bonfire does not condone opium dens.)

Even 150 years later, the way we use the phrase is tinged with the original cynicism and scorn: Look at this degenerate, daring to dream… What an idiot!

As if there are specific conditions under which we deserve to dream. 

With just a little bit of extrapolation, we can feel the ripples of this attitude throughout culture. Is there some level of “respectability” or “credibility” that we must achieve before we can dream of something better? (“Respectable” and “credible” according to  whom?!) The idea that we have to earn, merit, or externally justify every scrap of goodness we have or even want in life is a collective brainworm implanted by capitalism. This worm keeps us forever dissatisfied, forever just slightly ashamed by our own success if we manage it, and, most importantly, forever working harder in order to feel like one day we will have earned the right to rest, peace, and enjoyment. The right to dream. Or that one day we'll be in a place that's safe enough, privileged enough, and hopeful enough to dream.

Except one day is, definitionally, never today. 

This isn’t to say that great things don’t lie on the other side of hard work—a lot of things do! And it’s also not to glorify wallowing in an unideal circumstance rather than changing it. It’s more to remind us all (and hi, I’m talking to myself) that no matter our current circumstances, there is value in dreaming. In projecting ourselves into a brighter future. In wanting something different. 

Because there’s quite literally no other first step. 

The way forward: The dream precedes reality

This is going to sound simplistic, but: You can’t do something unless you want to do it first. I’m not talking about, like, doing the dishes or replying to an annoying work email. I’m talking about doing something aspirational. 

You want to start your own business? Perform in a band? Become a pastry chef? Buy a house? Quit your job and travel around the world for a year?

Great! Now, do you allow yourself to actively dream about it, or do you tell yourself that it’s silly, unrealistic, irresponsible, impossible, etc. etc. and immediately Whac-A-Mole those poor little thoughts every time one of them pops up? 

Why don’t you take yourself seriously? 

I actually can’t answer that for you, but maybe with some self-reflection, you can. (This is also a great reason to start therapy if you’re looking for one!) But taking the dream seriously and giving it space, time, energy, and love is a necessary component. Shutting your dream in a little box away from all the nutrients it actually needs to grow into reality is absolutely going to ensure that it stays just as silly, unrealistic, irresponsible, and impossible as you told yourself in the first place. 

If this behavior sounds familiar, then great job—you get to be right about this. Which, according to the Harvard Business review, is actually what your brain is addicted to. (See also: self-sabotage, confirmation bias.) Evolutionarily, your brain doesn’t care about whether you’re happy; it cares about whether you’re safe. And what’s safe is what is familiar. Big dreams are anything but familiar. 

On some very animal level, our dreams—which likely involve some major change in our lives—are terrifying our brains. We need to acquaint the two, and we do that by leaning in. 

Enjoy the ride: Our lives are just what we pay attention to

Really think about that for a second—it’s kinda trippy! Right now, my life is writing this post. It is active and absorbs all of my attention. But I could also be walking around the beautiful city I live in but paying attention to the replay of an argument I had with someone in my head. (Or inventing an argument! Who doesn’t do that?) Or I could be at dinner with my friends, but I’m thinking about a difficult conversation I need to have with a coworker the next day. 

I might be physically present somewhere, but if my attention is elsewhere, that’s my reality. And since our emotional brains are bad at distinguishing what’s happening now from simply something related that we’re thinking about, it’s like I’m literally, emotionally, and physiologically living in the world of my thoughts. 

While this is true for the rather negative examples I’ve listed above, it can also be true for positive thoughts and emotions—like what you might experience while dreaming about something ambitious. The emotions and attendant physiological responses we get from imagining a future where we’ve achieved something we want are in certain ways indistinguishable from actually doing those things! And they prime our scaredy-cat brains for a future where those things are actually possible. If your brain is afraid of the unfamiliar, make it familiar. It’s kind of like exposure therapy. 

We are bound by the limits of our knowledge, and that includes our beliefs—beliefs about what’s possible and what we’re personally capable of. If we don’t know there’s water just over the next hill, we won’t climb it. But if we believe there is water over the next hill, we just might! 

(See also: the health benefits of optimism and the fact that optimists are more likely to achieve their goals because “when optimists expect something great and don’t achieve it, their brain’s frontal lobe goes to work figuring out why and learning for the future.”)

And besides, even if there isn’t water over the hill, maybe there’s something else worthwhile? And at least you get a good view!

Derisking dreams: The dream is the compass, not the destination

Yes, this is just another build on the idea of “it’s about the journey, not the destination.” A journey is all very well and good…but how do you know where to point your feet in the first place? That’s where the dream comes in. 

If you open yourself to the idea that the dream is the tool that’s leading you somewhere but isn’t the ultimate goal, then you might manage to do two critical things: 

• Discover something new, amazing, and unexpected along the way that you never would have found in the first place. Hello, creative possibilities!

• Redefine success for yourself as the pursuit of dreams rather than their accomplishment. Goodbye, fear of failure!

I’m being glib, I know. Fear of failure is real. Loss-aversion bias is real. And being in an emotionally, socially, and financially secure enough place to pursue a dream is a privilege. I don’t want to ignore that. 

But what’s also real is that we don’t know what we don’t know. We cannot accurately predict what will happen to us and how we will feel about it when it does! Dreaming big and then pursuing that dream might be worthwhile if only because it leads you somewhere totally new. 

So if you find you’re raining on your own parade when it comes to your ambitious or audacious goals, maybe pause and reflect on why. (And ask yourself if this were your spouse’s, child’s, or best friend’s dream, how would you react?) Dreaming big can be its own reward. (No opium needed!)

For more…

Follow us on LinkedIn and on Instagram. Stay tuned to our Substack space for new community features and ways to meet your fellow subscribers.

And let us know if you’d like to go deeper with us to talk about you and creativity. We do:

• 1:1 coaching and mentorship 🤩 most popular 🤩

• Team workshops and consulting for marketing and leadership

• Speaking and appearances on podcasts and at events

Say hi anytime.

Kumbaya,Shannon & Kevan